According to Liana, Toilet Humor is Sexy
A few weeks ago, we had lunch at the new Bintulu Port, over at the building where the MDD offices are. Me, Tang, Aldrin, Zaza and Liana. We settled down at a spot near the corner by the window, on a long table fit for five, and we dug deep and hard into the food.
We were surrounded by people we did not know and might never bump into again. Therefore, we did not give a god-damn, and we chatted like we always chatted whenever we, OPS/6, enjoy food--
We tell each other toilet jokes.
The horrific kinds.
Like: when I was seven, I was really angry at a friend, I pissed into his juicebox. And then I poked his ribs as he was drinking the juice and the piss-tainted juice came squirting out of his nostrils.
Or like that story by a friend: when I was in Form 1, I ate nasi lemak with a very pedas sambal udang and I drank kopi susu (they do not sit well together) and so I suffered this overpowering stomach ache. I tried my best holding it in, up to a point when I could feel the "head" sticking out, slowly. You ever saw those documentaries about praire dogs that stick their heads out and they do this little wiggling dance? Yeah. It was like that exactly.
Or taking one of Tang's classics as an example: I remember my grandmother telling me that before the Chinese invented the toilet paper, they all had to eat their feces. And then Tang proceeded to bring his game to a higher level, and acted out the whole thing by licking his fingers, which were covered with the thick brown gravy of kari ayam, his tongue dripping visibly, half-chewed rice, chicken and vegetables mashed in dribbling saliva.
Tang my friend, I said calmly, staring into him.
I am sorry you had such a terrible childhood.
He looked at me in a peculiar way. One of his eyes, the crazy one on the right, twitched, bulged and fluttered. He was ready to explode.
But that was first class! I shouted joyously. I think I swallowed my own vomit a little. That was so disgusting -- it was good. Hurrah!
And then the whole table hurrahed. Hurrah, Tang! That was gross!
After the laughter had subsided, Liana proceeded with her arsenal of filth, gained from decades of hard-sweat dedication and analytical deduction, studying the worst of internet porn fetish and the best of the National Geographic Channel (re: Animal Kingdom Week) -- she upped the ante by bringing to the table the case of the transgender.
How do transvestites and transexuals get it on?
Zaza asked to clarify, Get what on? Condoms?
Tang jumped in, Giant dildo strap-ons? Nipple pinch-ups?
Aldrin continued the rally, French ticklers? Vibrating ball gags?
I went in with flying colors, Double-headed drill bits? Motorized pummel horse?
The rally came back full circle to Zaza, Hmm... furry... costumes?
The group responded in unison, That was weak, Zaza. Try again.
Zaza struggled to come up with something else. Aldrin helped her.
Zaza, have you seen those things they use in S&M roleplays?
Zaza's face lit up like she had just been surprised by a street flasher -- Leather-strapped spank paddles!
And then the whole table hurrahed. Hurrah, Zaza! That was good!
Beaming with joy, Zaza turned to Aldrin to thank him for helping.
Aldrin, the youngest and most humble of the group, modestly played down his role. Oh, it's nothing. Actually, I was thinking along the line of fisting butt plugs, but your spank paddles are okay, too, 'za.
Hey guys, Liana shouted. You still have not answered my question about the transvestites and transexuals. How do they get orgasm?
Liana had shouted the word "orgasm" too loud, because I could see 100-Plus jetting out of the nose of an expat who was eating near us.
Well, Liana, Tang put his hands together, clasping them under his chin, his face contorted from deep thought, since they do not have the corresponding genitals to achieve orgasm, Tang pulled his face up and stroked the clean-shaven length of his upper lip, I think they must then resort to mutually pleasuring each other i.e. the 69 a-go-go, referencing an obscure Swedish bestiality-inspired sex yoga.
No, Tang, I disagree, I said. More likely is that they do dry-humps.
Ah Faizal, noooo, Aldrin rejoinded. They don't dry-hump; that is for teenagers in high school. Transvestites and transexuals make full use of their bodily cavities, he used his fingers to visualize the act.
Liana was very skeptical. Aldrin, are you sure that's how they do it?
She turned to Zaza, who was attentive and curious. Zaza smirked in disbelief, I guess you have to be really fit to do all that acrobatics.
A minor debate took place. A few of us disagreed on the mechanics that Aldrin was suggesting. No person can bend over like that, Tang argued. We drew diagrams on tissue paper and referred to technical terms, like clenched sphincter muscles and second-degree rug burns.
A senior executive from the TES group, who was eating at a table across the room, overheard the commotion that was taking place at our table. He was not able to catch what exactly was being thrown onto the table, but he knew from his vast management experience that these young engineers were debating some very serious and very dire issues, perhaps something technical from work concerning Plant Operations; body languages full of unbridled passion, skin-of-the-teeth determination, and the strongest sense of ownership.
If you do that, you're gonna need a lot of lubrication, Zaza said.
Yeah, the shaft is the most sensitive. You grease it good, Liana said.
No, it's the other way around. Through the manhole!, Aldrin said.
That's hammering it, and the nipples are gonna crack, I said.
We don't want premature release. That's why we blow it slowly first, Tang said.
The senior executive looked on amusingly with an approving smile splattered wide across his face, fully amazed, and wondered, Why aren't these OPS/6 engineers in the High Potential Staff program?
